Too Afraid to Try

I need to admit something out loud. And I suppose it might sound like something that only poses a serious problem in television or movie plots, but it's so much bigger than that, because it effects my real, every day life.

Honestly, I'm deeply afraid some days.

I wish I could admit that it were something specific, like a phobia, but it general, it's just outright fear, mostly of the unknown.

Sometimes, it stems from uncertainty - questioning myself. There's a song by NeedToBreathe (The Devil's Been Talkin') that pretty much sums it up. More often than not, I question choices I've made and I wonder - am I truly capable? Do I have what it takes to pursue the things I would like to?

That question will turn into a roadblock. And it's a roadblock that leads to nowhere. It's a fear of failure. It's all the things you would do, but are afraid to do because failure stares you in the face and says, "I'm a very real possibility, so wouldn't it just be easier not to try?"

Some days, I'm afraid to try.

Other days, I'm afraid of what the future holds. I'm afraid that whatever may happen won't be right. So I play it safe. So safe, that whatever my safety net might be, it's not even always safe, rather than safe, it's simply known. And I hold on so tightly to what's known, that I never travel farther than what I can reach. My world is ever-shrinking as a result.

Sometimes, I look at my life, at what's going on around me, and I see everything that's passing me by. And all I can do is weep, because I've been too afraid to try.

And really... too afraid to trust.

Have I been wasting my talents? Out of fear, have I become the servant who buried his coin?

I know that the song, "Oceans," has somewhat come and gone in popularity, but personally, I've only begun to understand what it means to let go and let God. It's my temptation to cling too tightly to what's known, and therefore, not trust the one who holds my entire world in his hands. And what safer place could there be?

Instead, the wind and the waves have chased me back into the boat. They've kept me cowering in my so-called "safe little boat" for far too long.

But today, I want to reach out and grab hold of God with both hands. It's such an easy statement to make, when really, it's a lengthy process. Fear doesn't typically just disappear, it has to be weeded out, and boiled to the surface.

I've been discovering fears I didn't even know I had. But I know who goes before me and I know who goes behind, the God of angel armies is ALWAYS by my side. Whom shall I fear?

I can't do anything by my own strength, but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So I guess it's time to stop doubting... stop fearing... stop cowering... and trust that God made me purposefully and has a plan for my life. Trust that God will equip me to handle anything I encounter. And trust that I am never alone. After all, it's not about me, it's about him. And it's about his plans, I just have the honor of being apart of his plan.