Friday, October 2, 2015

The Hardest Words to Speak

When I was a little girl, I used to climb into one of the apricot trees in our backyard and sit up there for hours. My dad nicknamed me, "Emily of the trees." But for me, tree limbs were a beautiful sanctuary where my love of storytelling and daydreaming began.

All alone, up in the trees, I crafted elaborate tales about all kinds of things. And when I came back down, I would play pretend with my little brother, often acting out the stories I'd spent time plotting.

They say the whole purpose of playing is to practice for someday. That's why we pretend to be doctors, teachers, soldiers and moms.

It's fairly easy to watch a child and discover their talents - enough to make a guess at what they might aspire to become someday.

Of course, somewhere along the lines, we come up with an idea of our "dream life." The "if everything goes according to plan," life we dearly wish for. And it's always such a GOOD plan, and God is a GOOD father who gives GOOD gifts to His children. Theoretically, those dreams we have, HAD TO have been put there on purpose. After all, God created us with purpose - to use our lives.

But what happens when, little by little, God begins to uncurl our fingers, and pry those dreams from our hands?

All that remains is an empty vessel, devoid of any idea as to what's going on.

Heartbroken and frightened.

What now?

I hate that feeling. I REALLY, really hate it. Because, in all honestly, I LOVE my dreams. I think they're beautiful and honest and good. There is nothing selfish about my dreams. They're God honoring and I want it so badly. God couldn't have put it there without a reason. And God is good, He wouldn't dangle a carrot in front of my nose just to tease me.

All I can do is wonder why my hands are empty. It's terrifying.

But maybe... Just maybe... God is a god who brings us to the end of ourselves... to that place where there's nothing to do but cling to Him and trust His plans... before He builds us back up again?

It's still a terrifying thought.

If God tears us down with the intention of building us back up again, then what if He starts changing things? Giving us new dreams, or similar, but different dreams? What if He takes those gifts and talents and rearranges them to show us something we are fully capable of doing, but never considered? Like scrabble letters. Like GOD and DOG. Same letters, different purpose.

When your dreams seem so good, it's hard to let go and let God. Of course His plan is good, but it's unknown.

And that's what's terrifying.

But when you've come to the end of yourself... and in your heart of hearts, you still trust Him... Three little words find their way into your mouth, but they're incredibly hard to speak out loud:


And thus the rebuilding begins.

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