Wednesday, February 12, 2014

waiting for my heart to beat again.

Sometimes I wonder what God is doing. With the rush of a breath, I am at a loss for words, head over heels and unable to think beyond wonder.

When something you never really expected, though always thought you saw yourself doing is suddenly handed to you it can feel as if for a moment the world stands still and all you can think is, "really, Lord?"

My world is frozen in time right now. I'm waiting for an answer and wondering if God has something very intentional in mind. I know everything intentional with God, but as I sit here on the verge of the unknown, waiting and uncertain, I wonder if this is more than intentional, but somehow encompasses some kind of plot marker in the scheme of life.

For the moment, I'm listening for the beat of my heat. It stopped the minute I received the news. The opportunity. I can't really hear a thing. It's utterly silent. I keep thinking about the other things I ought to accomplish, but I just can't push myself to start until I have an answer. That's my type, I suppose. The finisher. When I start on an adventure, I HAVE to know the outcome. The way it will turn out. Until I know, I can't think, breathe, eat, fathom any other course.

The unknown is exciting. Something to anticipate and hope for. To wish for with all of your heart. Since I never asked for this, though I knew I would enjoy it, I can't know if my heart will break if the answer is no. But if the answer is yes, regardless of how insignificant, I truly believe that I will feel as if all of my dreams are coming true.

But until I know, this unbeating heart is making me feel just a little bit sick in the chest.

It's no longer in my hands.

I've trusted God with my life.

He let this happen for a reason.

I can know for certain he intends to use the outcome whether yes or no.

So with that, I can close my eyes and wait... wait for my heart to beat again.

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