waiting for my heart to beat again.

Sometimes I wonder what God is doing. With the rush of a breath, I am at a loss for words, head over heels and unable to think beyond wonder.

When something you never really expected, though always thought you saw yourself doing is suddenly handed to you it can feel as if for a moment the world stands still and all you can think is, "really, Lord?"

My world is frozen in time right now. I'm waiting for an answer and wondering if God has something very intentional in mind. I know everything intentional with God, but as I sit here on the verge of the unknown, waiting and uncertain, I wonder if this is more than intentional, but somehow encompasses some kind of plot marker in the scheme of life.

For the moment, I'm listening for the beat of my heat. It stopped the minute I received the news. The opportunity. I can't really hear a thing. It's utterly silent. I keep thinking about the other things I ought to accomplish, but I just can't push myself to start until I have an answer. That's my type, I suppose. The finisher. When I start on an adventure, I HAVE to know the outcome. The way it will turn out. Until I know, I can't think, breathe, eat, fathom any other course.

The unknown is exciting. Something to anticipate and hope for. To wish for with all of your heart. Since I never asked for this, though I knew I would enjoy it, I can't know if my heart will break if the answer is no. But if the answer is yes, regardless of how insignificant, I truly believe that I will feel as if all of my dreams are coming true.

But until I know, this unbeating heart is making me feel just a little bit sick in the chest.

It's no longer in my hands.

I've trusted God with my life.

He let this happen for a reason.

I can know for certain he intends to use the outcome whether yes or no.

So with that, I can close my eyes and wait... wait for my heart to beat again.

Hope of Glory

What's in a story that makes you laugh?
that makes you cry?
that wrings forth from the lips a heartfelt sigh?
Is it mood that sways with persuasion?
Like sappy songs and presentation?
Or strange words that lacked a voice
and now resonates perfect word-choice?
Maybe it is joy, camraderie
that makes us cheer
and gives us glee.
And if that's so, then what is life?
but a shared story
that gives us peace
and hope of glory? 

50 Words

It's rather incredible what individuals we are. There are roughly 7,140,386,800 people on the planet... and that really is a rough estimate. But out of that number, not one of us is alike. Even twins are unique. In high school, two of my best friends were twins. No matter how much they looked alike, they were their own person.

Imagine a list of 50 words (phrases) that describe yourself. I'm sure no one else would pick the same words.

books
writing
reading
romance
history
family stories
old movies
Sandra Dee
Julie Andrews
Superman
lace
teacups
doilies
dresses
pearls
vintage styles
cooking
mexican food
baking
scones
cookies
Beauty & the Beast
Snow White
fairy tales
Happily Ever After
children
drawing
painting
crafts
hot chocolate
camping
boats
wandering
creeks
rivers
lakes
swimming
rabbits
mixed breed dogs
horses
riding
wildflowers
roses
lavender
braids
music
singing
whistling
day dreaming

and laughing infectiously at any joke... especially the cheesy ones.

Remembering My Childhood Through Theirs

Someday I think our house will be exciting again... Lindsey and Nate were here today and all the legos, dolls, dresses and animals came out of hiding. Once again they were loved and played with and treated as something exciting and special. As I put the dolls away and the baby crib back into place, I started to picture grandchildren in this home, playing with all of our well-loved childhood momentos. Many of these things I'd forgotten about. But when Linds and Nate came to play, once again I recalled what fun I used to have before I grew up. 

I'm not so good at playing anymore, but I love remembering. I love bringing out the toys for them, making hot chocolate, and listening to their stories. 

Lindsey wanted to play Barbie Horse Adventure, a game I used to play at her age. But it was getting late and they were leaving soon. Still, hearing her beg to play made me remember playing the game at my grandparents house. She made me remember playing at Christiana's house and knowing our parents would often talk for hours, hearing them say, "we'll leave in just a minute," always used to mean, "we'll probably leave in about another hour or so." I wonder if Lindsey thought the same?

My own childhood is over. But I can't wait to be a mom someday and watch someone else's childhood begin. I can't wait to pass on my beloved toys. I'm excited to remember my childhood through theirs.

"Where everything's safe..."

Some of you might know the quote you see, others might not. I suppose it depends on how many episodes of One Tree Hill you've seen or how close of attention you paid.

The show started years ago, and ran from 2003 to 2012. But really, I didn't start watching until a few months after the show aired its final season, during my freshman year of college. Since then, I've watched and rewatched almost every episode. Because like the sign from Karen's Cafe, the show has become that place for me, in many ways.

Leyton

 Now, I'm sure that there are plenty of fan girls out there who think One Tree Hill and immediately think of who they would prefer Lucas choose. Peyton or Brooke? And who is the favorite couple on the show? Naley? Leyton? Brucas? Brulian?

While that's all well and good and exciting, it's not the root of the reason why I watch.

Honestly, every time I tell someone my favorite show is One Tree Hill, I tend to get the same responses.

Brucas

1. Isn't that a Soap Opera? No. It isn't. Soap Operas have bad acting. 

2. That's a lot of Drama. Yes. I know.

3. (from the conservatives) Don't the kids swear and drink and have sex out of wedlock? They have their cuss word of choice, but the other two, I will later explain the purpose of. 

Naley

Those are the big three. But this show caught my attention because it's the first show to really have a conscience. Where the characters face what so many of us do... making right and wrong decisions and then facing the consequences of whatever choice they make.

the teens who engage in premarital sex must face the reality of risking pregnancy and how teen pregnancy can change your world.

the ones who drink aren't shown to be smart. Drinking is shown to be that risky, rebellious sort of behavior, that doesn't leave you in a great position the next day. Even when they are grown, Nathan tells his brother, "The darkness doesn't have any answers" in reference to Lucas' drinking to numb pain.

The cussing, well, I don't cuss myself. Let me make that clear. I figure that there's better adjectives out there. When deciding whether or not to watch the show, you have to decide if use of the A and B words bother you. But the cussing caps out there.

But here's the upsides to the show... the reasons why I love it.

Remember what I said about being a show with a conscience?

Nathan and Haley make the conscious decision to wait until marriage for sex... and they do.

The sanctity of marriage and the seriousness of it is shown through Nathan and Haley, and Lucas' engagements to Lindsey and Peyton. Haley reminds her brother-in-law that marriage is a serious commitment, because whoever he commits to, he's committed for life. But Haley lives out her advice. She and her husband face many challenges, but remain faithful to one another. Literally through richer and poorer and in sickness and health. When the two of them say, "I love you," they follow up with the words, "always and forever."

The creator, Mark Schwahn originally intended it to be a sort of retelling of the biblical Cain and Abel through Lucas and Nathan and their father Dan. But after the pilot episode, the story quickly began to change and grow as the characters did. The story really changed to one that asks the question, "what happens when your dreams die?" and is it possible to have a new dream?

Nathan, Dan and basketball... the NBA

Haley, Peyton and music... recording

Lucas and writing... publishing

Brooke and fashion... her own label

Mouth and broadcasting... television

Does your identity change when your dreams do? I think we see this best through Nathan. His father lived in regret and bitterness when he lost his dream of playing basketball. He faces the same struggle when his temper gets the better of him and he is severely handicapped. His therapist tells him that part of keeping his marriage healthy is pursuing his dreams, because his family can be proud of him when he does. But what Nathan finds, is that he has two dreams, one, is to play professional basketball, the other dream is rather new, but even more wonderful - his family. He decides that above all, his family is his dream, and he can't lose that dream.

Bitterness versus forgiveness also took a strong theme in the story. Envy separates Dan from his brother, Keith Scott. But his sons struggle with the same bitterness and strive to be different. When his actions come back to haunt him, Dan hopes to make amends.

In the end, after his sons harbored so much bitterness against Dan for the wrongs he committed, one of them concludes that he wishes he hadn't wasted so much time hating his father.

I really resonated with something Haley said in the fourth reason:

"Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin. Kind of, like I don't fit in to this world. Like I was born at the wrong time, and I don't belong." (Pictures of you - 4x13)

I used to say that I should have been born in the 1800s. On second glance, it really wasn't simpler times, but the sentiment is the same. I think we all wake up sometimes and just feel this sense of insecurity. 

From a biblical standpoint, you can read this quote and think of the brand, "Not Of This World." And that is certainly a part of it. 

but for me... it's just feeling awkward and out of place and unsure of yourself. Acting confident on the outside when really, you have no idea what is going to happen. Sometimes that insecurity shows more than others. Sometimes we hide it well. 

In the show, Lucas is a writer... I think I relate to him more than I admit. Actually, I've never been able to relate so much to tv characters before. But anyways, whenever Lucas finds his world to be more than he can handle, he tends to retreat. He leaves town for a short while, or hides in his house. Anything. Just to get away where life is simpler and not so hard. 

Believe me when I say I would do the very same. Sometimes even simple problems bring my strength to its end and I just crumble. I'm not very good at hard. If I could, I would just leave it all behind for a time and surround myself with everything that's simple and concrete. What's known. 

That's what I do when I come home from college, honestly. I don't think I really explain that to the people in my life. And not to say its right, but when I come homes, sometimes I just want to really treat my time like a true vacation. Not a care in the world and living on my own time because its easy. That's selfish. I know it. But don't we all hope for easy? The real challenge is facing the music. But for those of us who struggle with that, support systems are everything.

I suppose my mind works a little differently from everyone elses. That's the disconnect. Often, I just want someone to believe in me. To REALLY believe in me. 

That's what I see in Nathan and Haley. Nathan's dreams are unbelievable. How many people strive to play in the NBA? But Haley, he has Haley! And she believes that he is capable of achieving his dreams. Even when his dreams change or he has to let them go. She still believes in him. And I really hope I can find someone like that someday. Because for Nathan and Haley, belief is give and take. He believes in her and her music all the same. I hope I can believe in someone just as much as they believe in me. 

And its not believing you can do anything and everything. It's knowing you aren't gifted with everything, but focusing your success on the things you're gifted with. Knowing you'll never... like Nathan... be a very good dancer. But not placing your self-worth there. I don't need someone to tell me I can be jack of all trades and master them all. But encouraging me in being competent, but cheering me on in the areas I do excel.

That's what I see in this show... Past all the drama and bad choices... there's a heart in this show. And I can see myself in it. 

So the next time you ask me why I love this show - I'm really not a big fan of teen dramas or couple shipping. That's all cheese - but I am a fan of putting words to those feelings and choices we all face. 

There is only one Tree Hill.

PS.

But just to make a point. I LOVE Naley and it was Peyton all along

He Feared the Source

He Feared the Source

January 25, 2013 at 1:20pm

PublicFriends of FriendsFriendsOnly MeCustomClose FriendsMy ParentsSee all lists...writerNordhoff HighWilliam Jessup UniversityRocklin, California AreaFamilyGolden Valley Charter SchoolPaso RoblesOjai Christian AcademyWilliam Jessup UniversityLompoc, California AreaWillian Jessup UniversityThe Glory of GodOjai, California AreaAcquaintancesGo Back

In the mountains high above there is a long and twisted road. Its skinny paths bear little else but wasted green turned brown. So every traveler who dares the road brings what he thinks best. But for this moment, I tell of a time and one lost and lonely man who started on the road.

Within his home, the man stood and pondered what he could bear and carry. For once he reached the other side, he knew not what he needed. In all due time, he packed a bag with much to be of use. And with his bag, heavy and weighted, he wandered the curving groove.

For many hours he hiked the hill and up beyond the trees. And in the peaks, all water dried and green was turned to brown. Tumbled weeds and dried up grass marked the forsaken tips. His throat grew dry and thirst was harsh. In the second day of travel he pondered if he should die.

But to his fortune, not far off, in the midst of death and decay, a well stood simple and small. In his thirst, the man knelt down and stared into the well. He licked his lips to quench their parch, his eyes locked on the water. Though as he stared a thought occurred and drove him nigh to madness.

Having never seen nor drank this water, he wondered at its repute. Thirst could take him soon enough, but poison seemed far worse. For while the water could be good and take away his pain, the man was terrified of what could be and therefore sat and cried. His worries made him much afraid and so he chose to sit. Not one sip did he draw from the small and simple well.

Hours passed and for his choice, he had no strength to rise and walk again. So he sat all alone till he died a slow and sorry death.

Was this man wise for his choice? He feared what could make him well. And as would have it, more travelers came, just and thirsty, and stopped beside that well. Cup in hand they drank their fill and found their strength restored.

Two kind souls were nice enough to pause just for the man. They hauled him up into their arms and bore him to a grave. But with a chisel, they carved a stone to mark the six foot hole.


Here lies the man
Who died of thirst
When salvation stood in sight
For though he might have lived more days
He questioned the source
The giver of life


Emily Bergstrom – January 2013

Songs I love

I'm certain that the reason why I love to sing so much is because my mother sings... or she used to. She says that her voice isn't a good as it used to be. But for sentimentality's sake, I love to remember the way it was, so when she sings now, I still hear it the way it was. So I really don't always understand her when she says her voice has changed.

Whenever I hear these songs, I feel like a little girl again.

Every night she would pull from:

Do-re-mi
Puff, the Magic Dragon
Lord, You Are More Precious
I Love You Lord
Hush Little Baby
My Favorite Things
Stay Awake
(They Long to Be) Close to You
You Are My Sunshine
and Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ral (That's An Irish Lullaby)

I loved those songs as a little girl. I'm fairly certain I will never forget them as long as I live.

My dad wasn't nearly as good at singing. In fact, he's rather tone-deaf. But he did play the guitar and that was something my brother and I loved because, once a week, Mom would drive us down to the church so we could hear him play for the Youth Group. We were so proud that our dad played the guitar.

There was one night, when my mom was away at a women's retreat, that my brother and I were left all alone with Dad. The fact that my mom would sing to us and read, or tell a story every night before bed, proved to be a problem. If I recall, Dad had taken over story-telling duty at that point because he was reading the Chronicles of Narnia aloud to us, but he couldn't sing like mom.

So, when bedtime came around, I moved my pillow into my brother's room and climbed into the top bunk of the bunk bed my dad built for him. Dad dragged a kitchen chair into the room and pulled his guitar from its case. And though he cannot sing a note, he perched his guitar upon his knee and asked us what song we wanted to hear.

It was so long ago, I cannot tell you what songs we picked, but I remember our favorites.

God of Wonders
Open the Eyes of My Heart
The Heart of Worship
Undignified
Let Everything That Has Breath
Rock of Ages
Here I Am to Worship
Come, Now Is the Time to Worship
Lord I Lift Your Name On High
and Every Move I Make

I'm sure there were more, but those were the ones I remember. My brother liked Every Move I Make, though he never actually could remember the name, and consequently, neither could I. Instead, we would call it the "Na Na Song" because in the middle of the song we'd sing, "Na na na na na na na..." Over and over again.

We loved music in our house. That much is engrained on my heart. We would sing all the time. I listed my mom's lullabies, but she would sing other songs too. We were always singing the theme songs from old TV shows and musical numbers from our favorite Disney movies. My dad would sing too, but he liked to change the lyrics to fit my name. Mom favored "The Sound of Music," "Mary Poppins," "Green Acres," "The Brady Bunch," and such. Dad was stuck in 80's Christian Rock and Winnie the Pooh.

More recently, my brother has become an amazing guitarist in his own right and has taken over playing worship for the church youth group. I simply sing for my own pleasure. But there's something about singing that just makes me happy. That's probably a God thing.

Psalm 96

 

Sing to the Lord a new song;
    sing to the Lord, all the earth.
² Sing to the Lord, praise his name;
    proclaim his salvation day after day.
³ Declare his glory among the nations,
    his marvelous deeds among all peoples.