God should have broken up with me years ago.

Perhaps you are nothing like me - or maybe you're my double. But it seems to me that humankind as a whole thinks and behaves in extremes.

Lately, I've been feeling far from God - for a whole myriad of reasons I won't get into. But much of it has to do with my own shortcomings. If you are like me, you pull back when you come up short. You distance yourself. As if, after being covered in God's grace you could still smudge him somehow with your dirt. He is a holy God, after all. And what does righteousness have to do with unrighteousness? (yes I know that verse comes from the marriage passage [2 Cor 6], but I'm trying to make a point here)

That however, is only one extreme.

The other, is in order to feel close to God, despite our failures, we lean on the love and grace of the gospel so much, that conducting ourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ Phil 1:27 looses all meaning. It becomes a gospel that is no longer transformative.

And since we don't live by a gospel of mere works, and we can't change scripture so that we ourselves don't have to change - then where are we left?

I wrestle with this all the time.

Because you see - God's grace blows my mind.

No really, it does.

I grew up as a pastor's kid and felt the pressure to be perfect - to set an example 1 Tim 3 - very heavily. It was easier to keep up a veil of perfection than really engage the gospel as something that transforms you. Because in order to be transformed, you have to start off as something else. And that's a tough one when you said a prayer at 4 years old.

I didn't do drugs. I didn't drink. I didn't sleep around. My life was pretty put together.

Even from an conservative standpoint, my life looks good. I don't even dance (shout out to the baptist heritage... well, actually, I have northern baptist roots). But that's more lack of talent.

Still... I've lied. I've stolen. I've said unkind things and disrespected my parents. My thoughts aren't always that great. I've insisted on my own way and acted ungraciously.

That's quite a few commandments right there.

On the one hand, it is by grace I have been saved through faith in Christ, and not because of anything I've done to earn it. I don't have any reason to boast Eph 2.

But I'm also a new creation. Dead to my old life and saved into a new purpose. Sometimes I really wish God would bend his plans to my own agenda (I really like my agenda). But if God is as perfect as I believe him to be... then... well... I have to surrender.

I have to stop backing away from him because of my own doubts and fears.

Regardless of how messy I am - he paid an awfully be price to be in relationship with me - so basically, all my excuses are out the window.

I need to draw near to him.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you James 4:8

And whether I'm equipped or not to participate in his plans, He is my strength Isaiah 41:10


I don't know about you, but I'm ready to stop pulling away. Forgetting what lies behind - my past, my expectations, my comfort - I press on towards a new life in Christ. One where I know my needs will be met, my joy will be full, my purpose clear and I will be loved completely.

I just need to stop expecting that because life is a little uncomfortable, God has abandoned me. Or perhaps I've failed him and therefore he has abandoned me. Because in reality, his grace is all I need. It is when I am weak, that I am strong.  His power is made perfect in weakness 2 Cor 12.

God chose the weak and the lowly so that the whole world would know just what an incredible, miraculous, loving creator holds the world in his hands.

INFJs Won't Lock a Slammed Door

I remember, about two or three years ago, a friend and I were walking back to my apartment when she proceeded to tell me about this thing called the "INFJ Door Slam" - a friend of hers does this. Funny thing though - I'm an INFJ, and I'd never heard of it. I couldn't even quite fathom what it meant because I hate hurting people, and I couldn't picture myself shutting someone out, even a person I didn't like. It just sounded so cruel. That is until I found myself doing it.

Some have described it as a self-preservation mechanism - an on-off switch or a pair of scissors that severs all emotional ties. Indifference.

I read one article that said after an INFJ slams the door, all interactions that follow are characterized by strange begrudging behavior. Often callus and rude.

But I would hope that other types would understand, this isn't necessarily true.

INFJs believe the best in people, often assuming that conflict in a relationship is because of something they did wrong. They try to justify your actions, rather than take issue with you. However, if your actions create a trend that suggests lack of thoughtfulness or consideration and understanding towards the INFJ, they will feel deeply hurt and rejected. It will take time for the INFJ to even consider the possibility that you did something intentional.

Once that reality sets in however, the INFJ will want to distance themselves not from you, really, but the hurt they're received. However, you caused and remind them of the hurt, so to protect themselves from such unpleasant emotions or ugly thoughts, they withdraw. Further interacts will likely lack previous depth - small talk. They probably can't make eye contact with you and conversations won't last very long.

Still... the INFJ doesn't stop caring. They can love you from afar, often asking about your well-being through mutual friends.

Aplologies go a long way, however, especially if you show repentance - truly making an effort to show understanding and sympathy. A door slam doesn't have to be permanent, but you have to knock. Be prepared for a deep conversation to follow. They've probably been stewing over the problem for a while and have a lot of thoughts on the subject they'll need to share and want you to understand.

Less of Me

Tonight, I felt distracted while singing the somewhat routine words of worship. It would take a novel to truly explain everything God has been teaching me over the last several weeks. But within the lyrics of the song, my ears caught the line, "More of you and less of me," I began to wonder if my generation truly understands the meaning of those words we insert into so many of our worship songs.

I'd like to begin by saying I don't mean to address the world. I mean to address my brothers and sisters. Because you see... We've been adopted into this incredible family, not because of anything we've done, but because of how much we're loved. But after entering into the family, we take on an identity.

There is a part of me that wonders if perhaps being a Christian is somehow trendy? If there is an image that we put out intentionally so that others will look at us and think, "Wow, he/she must be really close to God." We make a show of our Quiet Time with Christ. We post pictures from mission trips, VBS and service projects so others will see our humility. And we wear modest clothes that are still with the times because we want the rest of the world to know you can honor God and still look good. And we love praying out loud and talking about how God has moved in our lives so that others will see us and dare I say it... Admire us.

Less of me, more of Him.

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before others in order to be seen by them. For then you will have no reward from your father who is in heaven." Matt 6:1

It's been a long time coming, but it's becoming evident to me that my faith can't be about me. No matter how badly I want that Christian guy to look at me across chapel and see my hands raised in worship. My faith can't be about me.

Because my faith is about bringing glory to Christ. In my brokenness... The one who sees my secret brokenness loves me. And in true humility... on my good days... I want others to see the fruit of my faith and not see me, but see and desire God.

"When you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret and your father who sees in the secret will reward you." Matt 6: 3-4

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross." Phil 2:3-8

When Church is Messy

For the second time... growing up in the church has become relevant. It keeps coming up and I'm only just beginning to see the bigger picture.

You know, when I was a little girl, I always figured I would marry a pastor - It was all I ever knew. Church was familiar. And I won't kid you, I loved it. Warts and all. But at the same time, the warts were many. Church is messy.

If I could fix any one thing, I would make church a pretty place - a happy place. Because, let's be honest: Christians can be ugly. They say the wrong things at times. They make poor choices. And sometimes, they don't live very Christ-like. It's enough to make even the most stalwart of Christians cringe at time. Not all the time, but sometimes.

Jesus once called the Pharisees "White Washed Tombs." They looked great on the outside, but inside, they were rotting.

If you show up to church on any given Sunday, you're bound to see at least 100 people, if not more, dressed in nice clothes, smiling and shaking hands. They're going to ask how your grandmother is doing and if your brother/son/grandchild likes college. The junior high girls are going to find their church friends and sit together in the same row - and more likely than not, they're going to doodle on offering envelopes with a little wooden pencil (only one of them will have a fine point).

But that church lady who asked you about your relative is probably arthritic and had a not-so-great doctor's appointment for her husband yesterday. The young woman teaching Sunday School is terrified because she feels like a hypocrite, teaching right and wrong when she can't follow the rules herself all the time. And the pastor's sermon only seems poignant because the very thing he's preaching on is something he learned the hard way this week - God has great timing like that.

Church is messy.

And sometimes, it hurts like crazy.

With all the best intentions in the world those "White-Washed Tombs," will inflict some pretty nasty wounds. I grew up in the church - I know. I've seen the church in some pretty ugly moods. It has an underbelly that sometimes we're ashamed to admit exists. Because if we admit it exists, then maybe Jesus isn't enough. Christians are supposed to be made new and healed, right?

Actually, Christians are pretty messy. But that doesn't mean Christianity is a dud.

The church is a hospital and sin is the diagnosis. Healthy people have no reason to enter a hospital. If finding Christ made us perfect, we could do this "life" thing alone. But we can't because the simple fact is that we're all in process.

Finding Christ is like finding out what's wrong with us and then comes the treatment process - the refiner's fire. God molds and shapes us into his likeness. But truth be told, we aren't completely healed until we make it to the other side.

And in the meantime, God does some of his best work using broken people.

Do you remember Saul? or Paul? That's his new name. Saul was a guy who's primary endeavor was a crusade against Christians. He sought them out, arrested and put them to death. He did this for most of his young adult life. This is the guy God sent to southern Europe and the Mediterranean to spread the gospel. And once God got ahold of him, the persecution turned on him. It seems ironic that when he wasn't serving God, he had it easy, and when he was, the trouble started.

Instead, Saul was a guy with a messy life who was used for some incredible purposes.

Sometimes I look at my experiences in the church, and I blame all my problems on that mess. If God really wanted a good story for his followers, he would make our lives more attractive to outsiders. But he doesn't. He allows us to go through some very rough situations. Then I realize, because of Saul/Paul's unique story, it made him uniquely qualified to do the work set before him. God took that mess and brought something beautiful out of it.

So when I look at my mess and feel out of control and frustrated, I remind myself of that - There's a bigger picture that I can't see yet. Church isn't perfect, and neither am I. It's a mess. But God is bigger than the mess, and he has this funny habit of using mess for something bigger.

Mess doesn't mean God has failed. It means He's working. What you have is a trust issue. I know I do.

Part 3 - Love & Broken Peices

I spent much of my life trying to be in control - trying to fix things. Perhaps because there was plenty I couldn't control. But much of the time, I felt as if my identity were based in a picture. When I couldn't live up to the picture, I beat myself up for being a failure.

Still, if only I accepted the truth - instead I fought it - but all have sinned and fallen short. Missed the mark (Romans 3:23). No one is righteous... not even one (Ecclesiastes 7:20). I just wanted to make everyone happy. I didn't want to tip the apple cart. And maybe in the good moments, with noble intentions, I wanted to set an example.

Probably a common dilemma among pastor's kids.

Still, I was ashamed of my imperfections.

After all, in 1 Timothy 3 it says that in order to lead the church well, a leader (overseer) must set the example in his own home. As a PK, I suppose that made me apart of said household. I was part of the example.

It's a lot of pressure.

So, I had all the right answers in Sunday School. I wore modest clothing. I only listened to Christian music. I didn't cuss.

But since all have sinned... those outward signs of being a good "Christian kid" had nothing to do with what was going on in my heart. Jesus once called the Pharisees white washed tombs (Matthew 23) and honestly... that's what I felt like. The outside was pretty... the inside, dying. I was sneaky.

If I messed up, I didn't want anyone to know. I would simply fix it before anyone knew.

But in order for there to be trust, a certain level of authenticity has to be present.

It took me a long time to feel comfortable enough to be authentic. To not feel "at risk" if I bared my brokenness.  

The reality?

At first, I figured it was everyone else - that was why I was so broken. No one understood me. No one treated me right. It was my junior high math teacher's fault. The last time I opened up, someone shut me up. The reasons were numerous.

One evening, a year or so back, I was staring at the filthy kitchen in my apartment with a paper to finish. I was furious. I was already struggling to keep up with the course. Part of it was my own procrastination, but when I looked at that kitchen with dishes piled a mile high and a floor in dire need of mopping, all I could think about was how mad I was with the people I lived with. I wasn't their unpaid live-in maid - I had a job. If only they would just do their part and help with the upkeep of our living area.

So instead of working on my paper, I cleaned the kitchen first. I didn't get any sleep that night as I opted to consume copious amounts of coffee and write the paper in the wee hours of the morning.

Don't use my logic, by the way.

At that point in my life, what I really wanted and prayed for was to be surrounded by people who put as much effort into me as I did into them. I felt like I was being drained, surrounded by so many relational moochers - they were sabotaging me and turning me into a person I didn't like.

I thought maybe, if only God would bring a few solid friends into my life (I had one, I hoped there were more like her out there).

If only God would bring a really great guy into my life...

Then - then I would be better. I would be fixed.

I also thought maybe, if I would just get enough of a routine together, be a good Christian and read my Bible more often...

Actually - that will get you somewhere.

But I would get discouraged and run away. Every. Single. Time. I felt like I couldn't face God when I failed. Opening his word, or listening to worship music made me feel guilty and ashamed.

I think I was hoping for an instant fix. Like reading my Bible everyday for a week would somehow result in a complete turn around of behavior.

But Jesus calls us to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow him (Matthew 16). We get to share with Christ in his suffering (1 Peter 4). Because the Christian life is no easy path. Reading your Bible, while a means of leaning on God's strength where we are weak, doesn't immediately negate the fallenness of this world.

Our bodies are still broken.

People can't fix us - not people: relationships nor friends.

A long shower won't wash off the ugliness of sin.

It's deeper than that. Ingrained in our very essence.

But weren't not alone in the refining process. And it IS a process. Which is why it's often so confusing to go through. It's easy to misunderstand the process - easy to blame the pains on our environment. Rather, we're apart of the body of Christ. Called to recognize our inherent brokenness, and share out burdens with one another (Galatians 6). But in bearing one another's struggles, we're supposed to point each other back to God, his mercy and sufficiency.

Because, when we fall, he catches us.

When we're weak, he strengthens us.

My flesh and my heart may fail, God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

Struggling isn't a reason to go looking to cast blame. And while it certainly isn't good, God loves us too much for us to run from him in shame. He's already covered our shame (Isaiah 1:18).  So instead, we are in process, growing more and more like him, suffering and struggling as we strive. Refining fires were never meant to be pleasant nor easy.

Have courage.

Be patient and full of grace.

We're all in process.

Part 2 - Love and Broken Pieces

Get Wisdom. Get Understanding. And don’t be wise in your own eyes. That’s the gist of Proverbs 3.

The first time I read it, it seemed pretty straight forward. But, I also figured that I was a fairly intelligent person who didn’t make stupid choices. Then recently, (since God has a sense of humor) I found myself knocked down a peg. Please, feel free to laugh.

Not so long ago, we ran out of dishwasher detergent in my apartment. Of course, considering there are nine of us living together, this is a tragedy. Our little dish drainer is much too small to handle the ridiculous amounts of dishes we go through on a daily basis. Now personally, I have this bad habit of stepping in and doing things for everyone. I think it's because I'm trying to be nice... Or I'm just OCD about a clean kitchen and have trouble asking for help - you be the judge.

So, with a sink full of dishes and an urgent need to do something about them, I decided to load the dishwasher. But then, once it was full, I really, really wanted to run it and just get the dishes out of the way.

What would you do? I came up with an idea.

Not wanting to be a total pioneer, I reached for the bottle of Dawn and read the label. Naturally, it said, "Do not use in an electric washer."

Still, with so many dishes to take care of, I thought, "What could possibly go wrong?" I reasoned that they likely put that on the bottle in the case that something DID happen, though unlikely. I couldn't think of anything mechanically that it might break. So really... what could happen?

This reasoned out, I poured about a tablespoon into the detergent dispenser, started the machine, and sat down to watch TV.

Ten minutes passed, and the dishwasher started groaning.

I brushed it off as nothing; our dishwasher is always noisy.

Twenty minutes passed, and I realized these groans were a bit different. So, I got up and went to check the machine. What I saw was horrifying:

In a large mass along the bottom of the washer was a pile of suds and water, slowing growing in size. My brain essentially quit for a moment as I watched before my wits returned.

Of course, I turned off the cycle, mopped up the mess and set the machine to rinse. But never in a million years did I expect such a mess, and I couldn't believe that I thought I knew better than the bottle. OF COURSE the warning label was there for a reason. Why wouldn't Dawn check their product so stupid people like me would hopefully trust the label and not make a sudsy mess like I did.

Why did I think I knew better?

You can laugh now. Either because you've done it too, or because now you know not to.

But really, it seems funny, but sometimes I’m guilty of believing certain pieces of scripture aren’t relevant to me and who I am. My mom once said that they Bible never gets old – you can read it again and again – there will always be something new to learn. The older I get, the more I know it to be true.

Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Don’t I know it now.

Still, that verse came to mind only after the fact. When it happened, I thought first of Proverbs 3:7 which says, “Don’t be wise your own eyes.” It’s a verse I’m sure your grandmother or your mother quoted on end. But whether you know it or not, I’m almost certain your know the verse that comes before, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5 ESV).

Perhaps trusting God has been the overarching lesson of my college years. More and more, I’m coming to find that I don’t always like God’s plans – they aren’t my plans. And he has this interesting habit of not always revealing his plans.

Like any normal human, I don’t easily trust what I can’t see.

But if God is good – he can’t be anything but – then why don’t I trust him? Why don’t I follow him?

It’s Romans 12:1-2 in essence. We’re supposed to offer our bodies as living sacrifices – an act of worship. Ignore what the world says and listen to God. Then, we’ll begin to understand his good, pleasing and perfect will. But more often than not, we choose not to trust God, so we don’t submit to him. We listen to what the world says, and end up anxious and afraid… and then, all that’s left is confusion, because our plans are failing.

In his heart, a man makes his plans, but God directs his steps (Prov. 16:9).

If only we could just get over our stubborn pride and realize that God was right all along. Even when we buck and squirm because where his plans seem to be taking us is uncomfortable.

But it's only when we are beyond ourselves and our comfort - out of control - that we truly depend on God. 

He's the giver of good gifts, even when we feel stretched thin and spiraling. 

He's given us the body - there are other believers who've gone before us, who God carried through, to advise us. And of course we have the scriptures, because, "whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope" (Romans 15:4 ESV). 

Sometimes we just have to let go and let God. 

He's far more competent than we are anyway. 

It's simply a matter of trust. Don't be wise in your own eyes - we were never meant to go it alone. And if I may quote Veggie Tales... "God's way is the best way." 

Part 1 - Love and Broken Pieces

I'll tell the world (I'll sing a song)

It's a better place since you came along

(Since you came along)

Your touch is sunlight through the trees

Your kisses are the ocean breeze

Everything's alright when you're with me

And I hold my favorite thing

I hold the love that you bring

But it feels like I've opened my eyes again

And the colors are golden and bright again

There's a song in my heart, I feel like I belong

It's a better place since you came along...

It's a better place since you came along...

I see the whole world in your eyes

It's like I've known you all my life

We just feel so right

So I pour my heart into your hands

It's like you really understand

You love the way I am

Now I'm alright, now I'm alright

(Everything's alright)

I had a revelation of sorts the other day... and since revelations aren't particularly common, I've been stewing over it for the last several days. But anyways... It started after I heard this song in Starbucks while I was working on my manuscript. 

First, I liked the melody, then I looked up the lyrics, and it was just so sweet. So of course, I found it on itunes. But my feelings changed after hearing it on repeat a few times. Not in a bad way, mind you, rather, I realized something about how I viewed the song. 

Maybe you didn't notice the first time you skimmed over the lyrics I pasted, but look again. Look at the lyrics in bold. It blew my mind that really - if you reflect on the song in another context... it sounds like a worship song. 

He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions

Eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are

And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh

Oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all

And we are His portion and He is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking

And heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

He loves us, oh

And with the bold here... doesn't the worship song also sound like a love song?

Once I realized this, I was deeply challenged. Have we as young adults made an idol out of love - or even the idea of it? Because often, I find myself thinking that love will fix whatever ambiguous thing is wrong with me - or otherwise prove that I'm fine, that all my doubts and worries were wrongly placed. 

Truly... love is powerful... but it can't fix you. And if we're truly honest - romantic love is more prone to break you if you approach it in so fragile a state. 

And yet... again and again, we turn to love, expecting the world and winding up broken hearted and disappointed because, used in that way - love is an idol - used in place of God's role in our lives. In some cases, when we're feeling vulnerable, we turn to love, rather than God for healing, support and strength. But what a backwards way of thinking that is. 

Because indeed - Love isn't God, but instead, a creation, which cannot and should not sit on His throne. 

Spring is upon us, and I suppose God is doing some spring cleaning in my life - weeding out all the idols I didn't know were there. Then again, idols don't have to look like golden statues. They have quite a range of appearances. 

Known

What makes up a person? For goodness sake! Who are we?

Today, someone asked me if I watched Fraggle Rock as a kid. We sang the theme song together, far louder than we ought to have and forgot most of the words. For a moment, I was reminded of all those little things very few people in this world know about us. The eccentricities.

If there are any basic needs in this life, beyond food, drink and shelter, perhaps it is to be known.

We all desperately want to be known - deeply, intimately, personally. And along with those things, we want to be loved for and in spite of all that we are. Secretly, we're all praying that those eccentricities are endearing, and not obnoxious.

I can't drink a cup of coffee without spilling it - sometimes on my hand, my shoes, down the front of my shirt, or better yet, the floor - without fail.  

I don't understand dancing... I don't know what to do with my hands, and through I've desperately tried to learn swing dancing, I can only keep rhythm when I'm dancing by myself. And so, sometimes, when I'm cooking, I play 40's music and rock-step all across the kitchen.  

When I was little, my family used to listen to Sunday school songs - especially Steve Green's Hide 'Em in Your Heart, so now, whenever I read a Bible verse that he turned into a song, I sing it in my head. 

I do that a lot actually... music gets stuck in my head very easily. We've starting calling it, "singing turrets." When I hear a song, or think of a song (especially when someone stops the track early) I have the irresistible compulsion to finish singing it. My brother thinks it's hilarious. 

As far as music goes, my knowledge of pop music is ridiculously limited and incredibly dated. Most of my music I've picked up here and there, sometimes from the background music of tv shows.  

I love tv shows, by the way - I'm a sucker for teen dramas, superheroes and the occasional crime show. But I'm picky about my teen dramas - I always look up the plot before I get suckered into wasting time. 

Superman is my favorite, in terms of superheroes, though I do appreciate Ironman, Captain America and Spiderman. For the most part, I'm loyal to DC - though I've only read a total of two comic books. 

When it comes to relationships... I'm the most bizarre combination of a people-pleaser and a stick-in-the-mud you'll ever meet.  

I'm also an introvert, in case you didn't know. And while I love being around people, I feel incredibly overwhelmed at large social gatherings - so I stand in a corner and pray someone decides to talk to me. When they don't - I people watch (which can be incredibly entertaining). 

I love my friends and acquaintances beyond understanding. Sometimes, even when I'm hurt, I pretend like everything's alright, because I don't want to hurt them back - I don't want them to feel badly about themselves. 

And I desperately want people to like me.  

So... who are you? Are you known? And by who? Sometimes I feel incredibly out of step and out of place. I'm not quite sure who knows me. Maybe the very best of my friends. Maybe my parents. But I think that sometimes we hide things from our friends, for fear of losing them. And maybe our parents look at us and see the children we were through their rose-colored perspective.

As I began writing this post, verses regarding being known came to mind. I started pasting bits and pieces in, hoping to teach you what I'm learning, but once I looked up the citations, I realized just how much scripture I've absorbed over the years - I've memorized much of this psalm in parts without knowing. I never remember citations, just words.

Since the word of God is living and active - and I believe that with all my heart - I'm not going to post in part, but instead, leave you with this psalm. Because I think God speaks best for himself through his word.

Oh Creation - you are loved dearly by your Maker. You are known intimately and deeply.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

 Psalm 139

Trust me when I say, "he knows you." He knows everything that's wonderful about you. Everything that's unique. And he most certainly knows your flaws - every ugly thought. But He's steadfast and faithful. Your flaws are not a reason for him to leave, in fact, they're all the more reason for him to draw near, and lead you into his purposes, refining you into all that you can be.